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Automated updates: 2024-04-14

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John Colagioia 2024-04-14 07:40:55 -04:00
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2024-04-11-host.md
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@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ date: 2024-04-11 17:13:13-0400
categories:
tags: [scifi, startrek, closereading]
summary: <i class="far fa-hand-spock"></i> The outside world in Star Trek
thumbnail: /blog/assets/eso0733a.png
thumbnail: /blog/assets/Ambigolimax.png
teaser: For this episode, we need to talk about respecting people's time, the relationships that people keep secret, sexism, patients' rights, the Federation's reputation, and more.
spell: Odan Troi Riker stardate Peliar Zel holodeck shuttlebay eosinophilia Ogawa metrazene metrazine Leka Starfleet Qpid Kareel LaForge
spell: Ambigolimax Odan Troi Riker stardate Peliar Zel holodeck shuttlebay eosinophilia Ogawa metrazene metrazine Leka Starfleet Qpid Kareel LaForge Unported
proofed: true
---
![Still scanning the galaxy](/blog/assets/eso0733a.png "Still scanning the galaxy")
![Picture of a slug in the genus Ambigolimax. Photo taken in Fremont, CA, USA](/blog/assets/Ambigolimax.png "Do you think that I could hitch a ride to a meeting? Maybe you knew my father...")
## Disclaimer
@ -199,4 +199,4 @@ Come back in seven days, when LaForge plays **The Manchurian Candidate** in *The
* * *
**Credits**: The header image is []() by [](), made available under the terms of the [Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike 4.0 International](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/) license.
**Credits**: The header image is [Ambigolimax](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ambigolimax.jpg) by [Sanjay Acharya](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Sanjay_ach), made available under the terms of the [Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike 3.0 Unported](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) license.

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---
layout: post
title: Short Fiction — 'Neath a Sunless Sky
date: 2024-04-14 07:00:03-0400
tags: [fiction, freeculture]
summary: Why didn't we see you out during the eclipse...?
thumbnail: /blog/assets/NHQ202404080308.png
offset: -20%
teaser: As last week's eclipse approached, this silly idea came to me and grew into a fun exercise in frustration.
spell: leaveth eyeroll woohoo Gah hurty Nutso Alichino Malacoda Draghignazzo Bolgia Malebolge Malebranche Doré Kowsky
proofed: true
---
![The April 2024 solar eclipse from the Indianapolis Speedway](/blog/assets/NHQ202404080308.png "Wait until the animals start acting weird, the wine-guzzling neighbor covering their face with a colander tells me...")
We proudly(?) present a chat log from the afternoon of 2024 April 08, recently disclosed.
> Hey, I need your help.
> When the eclipse started, three demons crawled their way out of the basement!
> Sorry, *the demons three*, or more like pretentious weirdos three.
> They probably came through the crack in the foundation that formed during the earthquake, the other day.
> Anyway, they say that I must answer three riddles to determine the fate of humanity.
> Again, sorry: *their riddles three*. I can feel a headache coming on, if this keeps up...
> If I have any friends, they say as if they have any, then I can ask one of them for help with the riddles.
> I chose you. {% emoji person shrugging %}
> I hope that you get these. Maybe eclipses work like New Year's Eve, where everybody calls everyone else and clogs up the network.
> This seems important, though, what with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance, and all.
> Whatever...
> Riddle #1: Why doth thine train leaveth yon station at 1:58?
> Wait, hold on. I don't need help with that. But I need to know why these ancient demons tell riddles about industrial technology that end in puns. {% emoji locomotive %}
> Also, that grammar sounds wrong, but I guess that they must know what they want to say.
> Huh. They find it funny to make humans say "two-to-two," they say. {% emoji eyeroll %}
> Riddle #2: Would that I could explain what one might describe as black and white and red all over?
> Sorry, they've looked over my shoulder to correct my spelling. *R-E-A-D*. Seriously?
> Yeah, I got that one right, too, which no doubt comes as a no **news** to you, either, with their addendum. {% emoji newspaper %}
> I might need to call them on that convoluted grammar, though. I wouldn't call that riddle a question.
> Do you still even check this chat? No time for that, now, I guess.
> Riddle #3, which they call the big one.
> Oh, come on, the pockets thing? They don't even wear pants! They can't have anything in pockets that they don't have.
> Also, that comes from a book, which if they *read* it, they'd know why it doesn't work as a riddle.
> Oh, well.
> Apparently, I survived the gauntlet of riddles.
> Humanity will continue to thrive...to the limited extent that it has. {% emoji woohoo %}
> I think the Demon One---
> Gah, now they have me doing it.
> I think that the one demon might cry. He seemed to look forward to the potential extermination or dominion or whatever they had as a plan.
> Well, the tears made me feel pretty sorry for them, not to mention the pathetic riddles, so I told them the riddle about going to the dentist at tooth-hurty. {% emoji tooth %}
> They hadn't heard that one before, not surprising with their poor oral hygiene.
> I'll need to patch the wall that one's spit-take burned through, which might explain the poor oral hygiene.
> Apparently, they might name me Potentate of Perdition for my riddle mastery, if I ever want a career-change.
> They originally called the position "King of Hell," but I pointed out that the underworld needs to become more inclusive if they want to keep pace, these days.
> They didn't understand what I meant, so I put it into terms that they could understand.
> I went with the riddle about the doctor who can't operate on their child, even though the child's husband died in a car crash.
> That, they understood, implausible as it seems.
> Whew, they finally left. I assume that they won't get far without pants (or eclipse glasses), plus they stole a bag of my favorite chips "for the road."
> What jerks.
> I hate eclipses so much.
> Every single time, something like this happens.
> And I always have to clean up after some mystical dingbats or other.
> They all act like I have nothing better to do.
> Do I get to go out and enjoy the eclipse? No way...
> Instead, I get mooned by pun-loving demons.
> Farewell to...I want to say Al Pacino, Male-Coded, and Draggin' Nutso, maybe? I dunno. Good riddance, at least.
> Seriously, eclipses annoy me so much.
> Do you remember that one eclipse when I had to carve out the heart of a close friend to save humanity or Taco Tuesday or whatever they got on about? {% emoji anatomical heart %}
> Scrubbing up the aftermath seriously derailed my day. If you hadn't shown up to help...
> Oh, *right*!
> OK, having thought that through, now I can see why you haven't replied to any of these texts...
> Yeah, my bad. Although bleeding all over my carpet didn't exactly rate as one of your finest moments, either, honestly.
> I suppose that you didn't exactly come over to help clean up on that one...
> That reminds me. I should go leave some flowers on your grave. {% emoji bouquet %} {% emoji headstone %}
I planned to create this little story as only a single social media post---or quick e-mail to friends, which I hadn't decided---announcing my frustration at annoying demons wasting my time during the eclipse. I figured that would get a quick laugh from a dozen or so words, something like "ugh, I hate dealing with riddling demons during every eclipse," and then everyone could move on. But as I chose my words, I wanted to include the sad excuses for riddles, and then I had the idea of a one-sided chat, at which point the story mostly felt like it wrote itself.
For the record, I saw no damage from last week's earthquake in the New York area, and the eclipse down here only hit around 90% of totality, in case you thought that any of this actually happened to *me*.
Oh, and I intended the (mangled) demons' names near the end to loosely reference to Alichino, Malacoda, and Draghignazzo from Dante's [**Inferno**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_%28Dante%29). They guard the Fifth Bolgia of the Eighth Circle of Hell, Malebolge, as members of the *Malebranche* or Evil Claws, and present themselves as significantly less addled and childish, although Dante did have the twelve demons communicate across long distance with genuine fart sounds---a combination of natural and simulated---so maybe I classed them up, somehow? Gustave Doré definitely drew them without pants, though.
* * *
**Credits**: The header image is [2024 Total Solar Eclipse](https://images.nasa.gov/details/NHQ202404080308) by NASA/Joel Kowsky, placed in the public domain by NASA policy.