truth-versus-lies/ch3re.md

CHAPTER III

About June, 1952, my family and I moved to the suburb of Evergreen Park. ¹ If my parents made the move in order to provide me with "some decent kids to play with," they did not choose the location well. The only kid in my age group on our block was B.O., who was about a year younger than I was. He was a frequent playmate of mine for one or two years after we came to Evergreen Park, but he was a rather obnoxious character and we didn't get along well. We had several fights, all of which I won. A few years later, after the O.'s had moved away, my mother told me she'd heard that B.O. had gotten into trouble with the police, but, in view of my mother's unreliability, I don't know whether this is true.

Shortly after we arrived in Evergreen Park, my parents, in order to encourage me to be socially active, made me enroll in a summer program of organized recreation that was conducted at Evergreen Park Central School. I didn't like it, and soon stopped attending. At some later time my father forced me to enroll briefly in the Boy Scouts, and I didn't like that any better. I wrote in my 1979 autobiography, "As a kid I usually didn't like activities that were organized and supervised by adults, other than my parents." ² Apparently this is typical for mathematically gifted kids. According to a book on the psychology of adolescence, "An interesting characteristic of mathematically gifted adolescents was their independence with regard to how they spent their out-of-class time. 'Though they played some individual sports and some musical instruments, they completely resisted any regimented activity in the way of planned recreation.'" ³

In September, 1952, I entered the fifth grade at Evergreen Park Central School. At Sherman School we had spent the whole school day in one classroom and with one teacher, but at Evergreen Park Central, the students shifted from one classroom to another to be taught different subjects. Because of this new system and the unfamiliar people I felt very insecure at first, but after a few weeks I adjusted comfortably. ²

I made some friends at school, including Dale J., Bob C., Barbara B., Dale Eickelman, and Larry S. Larry S. was the best of these. The friendships with Dale J. and Bob C. didn't last; the former turned out to be decidedly peculiar, and the latter was a boy with little self-control who once tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to participate in stealing. Dale Eickelman had a few peculiarities of his own, and I can't say that I ever really liked him, but I continued to associate with him throughout my grade-school and high-school years. My friendship with Barbara B. had nothing to do with sex. Her family moved away before we completed fifth grade, and thereafter I corresponded with her for a short time. ⁴

Also in fifth grade, I carried on an intense flirtation with a beautiful female classmate named Darlene Cy. Because she teased me and provoked me, I loved her and hated her at the same time. She gradually began to conquer me, however, and love undoubtedly would have won out in the end if circumstances hadn't separated us. What happened was that upon completing fifth grade I was placed directly in seventh, and after that I rarely saw Darlene. ⁵

Skipping a grade was a disaster for me. It came about as follows. While I was in fifth grade the school guidance counselor, Miss Vera Frye, gave some of us a battery of tests including a Stanford-Binet IQ test. On the latter, I scored very high, ⁶ 167. The Washington Post quoted my mother as follows:

"A school psychologist [Miss Frye] gave Ted a Stanford-Binet IQ test... . But his mother took more comfort in the results of a personality test, which showed him to be well-adjusted.

"'For a while [Wanda said] all my uneasiness about these residual effects from his early childhood were laid to rest because this psychologist said, "Oh, he is fine,"

... . In fact, she said he had a strong sense of security, which surprised me... . She said he could be whatever he wanted to be. ... He was the cat's whiskers.' ...

"[The family] now believe that perhaps Ted was smart enough to figure out the most appropriate answers to the test and outwit it." ⁷

Psychological tests include devices to detect cheating, and it is hardly likely that a ten-year-old (however bright) with no knowledge of psychological testing would be able to outwit such a test.

In any case, Miss Frye telephoned my parents, informed them of my high IQ score, and (according to my mother's account) went so far as to tell them that I had the potential to be "another Einstein." ⁸ This was foolish, because there is a lot more to being an Einstein than scoring high on an IQ test. It's possible that Miss Frye may have been laying it on thick because she had previously encountered parents who had shrugged their shoulders at information about their children's IQ scores and she was therefore trying to impress my parents with the importance of what she had to say. If she had known something about my mother, she would have been much more cautious.

My mother came from a very poor background - poor not only financially but in every other respect. ⁹ Her position at the bottom of the social scale had been very painful to her, and she saw academic achievement, much more than financial success, as the avenue to the social status that she craved. She had neither the intelligence nor the self-discipline to achieve anything herself, however, so she sought to fulfill her ambitions through her children. ¹⁰ During my early years her expectations were reasonable and she put only very moderate pressure on me to perform well in school, but from the time of Miss Frye's phone call, she was filled with grandiose fantasies of what I was supposed to achieve.

Even at that time I felt that my mother's reaction to Miss Frye's call was childish. Her excessive exhibitions of pleasure seemed ridiculous, and she immediately telephoned some of our relatives in order to brag to them. She told me a great deal that Miss Frye had asked her to keep secret from me. She admonished me not to reveal these things to anyone, because "Miss Frye says we're not supposed to tell you; but we feel that we can treat you as an adult." It was from this time that I gradually began to lose respect for my parents. ¹¹

It was essentially Miss Frye who decided that I should skip a grade. She had the consent of the school authorities and the enthusiastic support of my mother, but they relied on her judgement as the supposed expert. Why did she make that decision? My mother told me at the time that it was because the tests showed that my greatest ability lay in the area of mathematics and physics, and (supposedly) mathematicians and physicists burned out young. Hence they were to be educated rapidly so that maximum use could be made of their ability while it lasted.

Many years afterward, in a discussion with my mother, I bitterly criticized the decision to put me in seventh grade. At that time she tried to justify the decision by claiming that Miss Frye had said I was drawing "violent" pictures during my free time in school, and that pushing me a year ahead was somehow supposed to cure me of this. ¹² The proposition that academic acceleration will cure anyone of violent fantasies seems dubious, to say the least. Anyway, I replied to my mother that drawing war pictures and the like was commonplace among boys of that age at that time and place, but she insisted that no, my drawings were different. ¹³ I brought the subject up again in 1991 in a letter to my mother: "You claim that Miss Frye said I was drawing pictures of violence during my spare moments in school. ... I'm not aware that I drew violent pictures any more often than the other boys. Miss Frye may have thought I did, but I certainly wouldn't trust her judgement... ." ¹⁴ My mother now changed her story. She wrote: "[Y]our memory of Frye is faulty. She considered your drawings quite normal. Just drawings of battle scene strategy." ¹⁵ This is a typical example of the way my mother plays fast and loose with the truth in order to suit her purposes of the moment.

Was I drawing abnormally violent pictures at the age of ten? All I can say is that I do not remember making any drawings that would be considered unusual for a ten- year-old boy. ¹⁶ And my mother's statement quoted above, that Miss Frye considered me "well-adjusted," weighs against the abnormal-drawing story (assuming, of course, that my mother's statement is true, which may not be the case).

******

It was from the time I skipped a grade that I began to have serious problems with social adjustment. I was not accepted by the seventh-graders with whom I was put. I quickly slid down to near the bottom of the pecking-order, and I stayed there until I graduated from high school. I was often subjected to insults or other indignities by the dominant boys. ¹⁷ My attempts to make advances to girls had such humiliating results that for many years afterward, even until after the age of thirty, I found it excruciatingly difficult - almost impossible - to make advances to women. ¹⁸

Investigators working for my defense team obtained the following information from Michael Johnson, an administrator at Evergreen Park Community High School.

"Johnson... flatly declared that the experiment of skipping kids ahead grades was a huge failure. The experiment was a notable failure during the era that Ted Kaczynski was promoted. Johnson added that the experiment was most especially a disaster with boys and indicated that he could document the fact that many of the boys who had been skipped ahead during Ted's era ended up as outcasts. ... Less-bright kids become resentful of those boys who are advanced ahead, causing the smart and accelerated kids to be even more acutely ostracized from their peer groups. More important, Johnson added, girls do not go out with boys who are younger. Thus, these boys have been set up for failure, and fail they do. The act of pushing youngsters ahead is almost never done anymore as a result of these past experiments. In fact, the state of Illinois now requires kids to be older before they can be promoted ahead a year." ¹⁹

I was not the only kid who was rejected for being smart. There were several other boys who had a reputation for being academically-oriented and as a result were harassed or treated with contempt by the "tough" kids. ²⁰ But in my case the problems were compounded by the fact that, during the same period, I was being subjected to psychological abuse by both my parents. ²¹

I've already described the change in my mother's personality that began not long after my brother's birth. By the time I was in my teens, she was having frequent outbursts of rage during which her face would become contorted and she would wave her clenched fists while unleashing a stream of unrestrained verbal abuse. ²² Even when she wasn't having one of her outbursts, she was often very irritable and would scold or make vicious remarks at the slightest provocation.

The change in my mother affected my father. He became morose and pessimistic, and when family squabbles arose, he tended to sit in his easy chair and retreat behind a newspaper or book, ignoring the sordid turmoil around him. ²³ Sometimes, however, his patience became exhausted and he would have angry arguments with my mother or with me.

But my father's moroseness was not exclusively an outcome of the family situation. I believe that he had deep-lying negative feelings about himself, about people, and about life in general. When he was in his mid-sixties and more ready to express his feelings than he'd been when he was younger, he took a car-camping trip by himself. On returning he said, "I can't be alone, because I don't like myself." He tended to see other people as dirty or sick. For example, when I visited my parents in 1978, my father described his employer, Win PI., to me as a pathologically compulsive talker. Later I got to know Win PI. myself, and I found that he was rather talkative, but by no means abnormally so. My father also used to speak of some of our relatives and other people in terms that exaggerated their failings and portrayed them as sick or repellent.

Throughout my teens I was the target of frequent verbal aggression (often unprovoked) from both my parents, especially my mother. ²¹ The insults that cut me deepest were the imputations of mental illness or gross immaturity. ²⁴ I think it was my father who started these when I was about twelve years old. The rejection I experienced from my peers at school, in combination with the deteriorating family atmosphere, made me often sullen and cranky, ²⁵ and my father, characteristically, interpreted this in terms of psychopathology. He began calling me "sick" whenever he was annoyed with me. My mother imitated him in this respect, and from then on until I was about 21 years old, both my parents would apply to me such epithets as "sick", "immature", "emotionally disturbed," "creep," "mind of a two-year-old," or "another Walter T." ²¹ (Walter T. was a man we knew who ended up in a mental institution.) It was always in an outburst of anger that my mother called me these things, but my father sometimes did so in a tone of cold contempt that cut worse than my mother's angry shouting. ²⁶ Neither of my parents ever suggested that I should be examined by a psychologist or psychiatrist. ²⁷ My mother never actually thought that there was anything wrong with me mentally, and I doubt that my father saw me as any sicker than he saw many other people. ²⁸ In saying cruel things to me my parents were only using me as a butt on which to take out their own frustrations. ²⁹

Though the imputations of mental illness were what hurt me most, they comprised only a small part of the constant verbal bullying to which I was subjected day in and day out. My mother was continually shouting, scolding, insulting, and blaming me for everything that went wrong, regardless of whether I could have been responsible for it. During the summer before I entered Harvard, she made an appointment for me to see a professional photographer for a picture that the university wanted for its records. When the day of the appointment arrived, as it happened, I had a pimple on the end of my nose. My mother angrily scolded me for it. "Look at you! Now you've got a pimple on your nose! You're going to look terrible in your Harvard photo! ..." And on and on, as if it were my fault that I had a pimple.

In another case my mother drove me and some other members of the high-school band to a music lesson. On the way back, the other boys, who were older than I was, talked a good deal about cars and driving. It made me feel small, since I was still too young to drive. After she dropped the other boys off, my mother began scolding me angrily: "Why don't you get a driver's license like the other kids so I won't have to be driving you all over the place all the time?" I quietly pointed out that I was only fifteen years old and couldn't get a license until I was sixteen. Instead of acknowledging that she was wrong and apologizing, my mother answered in an angry tone, "Well then, get a license as soon as you are sixteen! ... [etc.]"

Once when I made a negative remark about someone's competence, my father answered in a cold and sneering tone, "You'll never be half as competent as he is." My father did not typically lose his temper openly. Yet he sometimes did so; in a few cases, he shouted at me, "I'll smash your face!" I didn't believe he would really smash my face, but still it was frightening to hear him say that.

These are only a few examples of the kinds of things that went on constantly.

Physical abuse was minimal, but there was a little of it. A couple of times my father threw me on the floor in the course of family squabbles. My mother occasionally would flail at me with her fists, but by that time I was old enough (and my mother was weak enough) so that she didn't hurt me.

Contrary to what my mother and brother have told the media, up to the age of seventeen or so I was not socially isolated. Throughout my grade-school and high-school years I had several friends at all times. ³⁰ Though I was not accepted by most of the seventh-graders with whom I was put when I skipped a grade, I continued to associate with some of the friends and acquaintances I'd made in fifth grade. For example, Larry S. was a patrol-boy, and I used to stand on his corner with him during the lunch hour; and I continued to associate with Dale Eickelman ³¹ until I finished high school. Moreover, I soon began to make friends among the boys in my own grade; ³² but most of these friends had low status among the other boys, ³³ and some of them, like me, had a reputation as "brains" and for that reason were subjected to insults and indignities. On the other hand, one of my best friends had below-average intelligence. ³⁴ Apart from those already mentioned, a list of my friends from seventh grade through high school would include Bob Pe., ³⁵ Tom Kn., ³⁶ Jerry U., ³⁷ and G.Da. ³⁷ I hung around with Russell Mosny ³⁵ quite a bit, but I never liked him much. We tended to be thrown together because we were in many of the same classes and were both "brains" who were treated with contempt by the "tough" kids. Both Mosny and G. Da. seemed to become cool toward me during my last year or so of high school, ³⁸ but at the same time I became closer to Bob Pe. and Tom Kn., and I made a new friend, Terry L. ³⁹

Having these friends, however, by no means compensated me for the pain of the humiliatingly low status I had in school. I skipped my junior year in high school, ⁴⁰ and after that I was with kids who were two years older than I was. Most of these kids didn't insult me, but they treated me with condescension, ⁴¹ which was perhaps worse, and, with the exception of Terry L., none of them had any interest in making friends with me.

Even though I had friends, I spent a good deal of time alone. By the time I was in high school, B.O. had moved away and four other boys in my age-group had moved into our block. One of these was simply a jerk. The other three, the Tr. boys, were jocks and belonged to the "set" in school by which I was intimidated; and moreover I had little in common with them. With the exception of Bob Pe., all of my friends lived far enough away so that visiting was inconvenient, and consequently we went to each other's homes only occasionally. Our activities tended to consist of aimless time-killing. We rarely engaged in athletics apart from occasional games of catch, we never undertook any significant joint projects, we never attended any social functions together. As I've already noted, most of my friends had low status, and, while I was in school with them, none was very active socially and none had girlfriends. If they ever dated, they never mentioned it to me.

The only serious activity I had was trombone-playing; my music lessons brought me into contact with one of the very few adults I knew at the time whom I really respected, my teacher, Jaroslav Cimera. Two of my friends, Tom Kn. and Jerry U., also played the trombone, and I often played duets with one or the other of them.

Still, until I went to Harvard, my adolescence tended to be an alternation among different kinds of boredom: A boring day in school, a boring visit with a friend, a few boring hours piddling around in my attic room, another boring day in school. This doesn't mean that I never had fun with my friends or alone, but that boredom was a nagging problem for me. ⁴²

******

Now let's look at the way my brother and mother have portrayed me and our family life during this period. First, the entries in my medical records that are evidently based on my mother's statements to the doctors ⁴³:

"April 24, 1952 ... Appetite, activity and general adjustment are all quite good."

"April 17, 1953 ... He eats well, plays actively, presents no behavior problems."

"April 27, 1954 ... Now in 7th Grade and does well. Does well socially."

"April 14, 1955 ... Eighth grade. Good grades. Active in some sports. No further [?] problem except for some adolescent [illegible]"

"April 20, 1956 ... He does very well at school - not too much of a socializer, but is known as a 'brain'. Gets along well with others when he tries - seems popular but a little aloof."

"June [?], 1957 ... Accelerated in high school and will finish next spring by going to summer school. Has his eye on Harvard and [illegible] in physics and math.

"Health has been good but mother is concerned lest program be too strenuous for him. Appetite good. Not very much physical activity. No great interest in girls as yet."

"April 21, 1958 ... Ted has been well during the past year. No problems. Is doing very well at school ... ."

The reason why my mother gave the doctors a rosy picture of my adjustment (with barely a hint of social difficulties in the April 20, 1956 entry) is that she has always been extremely concerned with respectability ⁴⁴ and with presenting to the world an attractive picture of our family, and to this end she does not hesitate to lie.

In response to a request from Harvard, during the summer before I entered college she wrote a long (two single-spaced pages) letter in which she described my personality. In it she gives a fairy-tale portrait of me as a budding intellectual. For example, she speaks of my "serious goals" and "ivory-towerish intellectuality," when in reality I didn't have any clear goals at all and had little respect for intellectualism. In fairness to my mother, I should mention that in this letter she probably was not lying calculatedly. She talked herself into believing all that crap before she wrote it down and sent it to Harvard. Her capacity for self-deception is remarkable. What is significant for us here, though, is the way she described my psychological and social adjustment:

"Ted is strong, stable, and has an excellent capacity for self-discipline. However, I feel that he may be lonlier

sic

"... Ted does not respond quickly to friendly overtures. He is pleasant and polite, but reserved; and accepts only an occasional individual as a friend. Once he does, however, the relationship is permanent. All of his friends share at least one of his strong interests. One of these friendships is based on a mutual fondness for exploring the countryside and searching for fossils, arrowheads, and unusual rocks. ... He meets with another couple of friends because of a shared appreciation for listening to and making music... . Ted is also very fond of another boy who shares with him a love for intellectual sparring, witty exchange and endless polemics. The written and verbal communication of satire and analysis on innumerable subjects by these two boys would fill a volume. [My mother has surpassed herself here. The two musical friends must have been Tom Kn. and Jerry U., but I have no idea who the other two friends could have been.]

"The fact that he takes so little initiative in finding friends, that he accepts the advances of so few people, ⁴⁵ and makes no attempt to join social groups makes us worry about the possibility of his being a pretty lonely boy (from our point of view - he claims he never feels lonely because there is so much to do.) ⁴⁶ ...

"[Ted] has, as his counselor and teachers have said 'a delightful personality, very witty and very clever.' ...

"... [Ted is] working successfully as a busboy this summer and being well-accepted by the other people working there. ⁴⁷

"One of the things that Ted's counselor hoped he would learn to do was bring 'his light out from under the gushel

sic; "bushel" is meant

naturally and creatively ... almost devoid of the desire to impress or communicate. ...

Perhaps the poor quality of the school and neighborhood enviornment [sic] of his first ten years had something to do with this. Looking back, we realize how little stimulation and understanding he found there. Our own confusion, uncertainty, and worry about his ever-increasing propensity for solitary play didn't help matters. The high-school counselor feels that Ted should become increasingly aware of the desireability [sic] of projecting his 'brilliance and wit.' More often now, he will be placed in situations in which a stranger may want to assess his talents in half an hour's time. His whole future may depend on his ability and awareness of the need to project himself at will at a particular time." ⁴⁸

Contrast the foregoing with my mother's portrayal of me in her interviews with the Washington Post ⁴⁹ and on 60 Minutes, ⁵⁰ in which she depicted me as severely disturbed and almost completely isolated socially. You can believe one version or the other, if you like, but you can't believe both, since they are clearly inconsistent. Thus my mother is again shown to be a liar. For present purposes it is beside the point whether she lies calculatedly or talks herself into believing her own crap before she tells it to others.

It is true, though, that my mother may not have realized the full extent of the social difficulties that I encountered from the time I skipped sixth grade. I said nothing to my parents about those difficulties because in our family talking about personal problems, particularly on the part of my brother and me, was almost taboo. ⁵¹ This was especially true in my case, because, ever since Miss Frye had told her about my high IQ score, my mother expected me to be her perfect little genius. If ever I revealed to her any failure, any weakness, it disappointed her and consequently her response was cold and critical. ⁵²

******

According to the New York Times, my brother described our father as "always generous." ⁵³ In his interview with the Sacramento Bee, my brother asserted that both our parents were "warm and nurturing." ⁵⁴ According to the transcript of the 60 Minutes interview of my brother and my mother, Lesley Stahl stated:

"Ted's fantasies, his family says, included accusations that his parents had verbally abused and rejected him; accusations that became more and more bizarre." ⁵⁵

Later in the interview, my brother said:

"[Ted's] feelings about our family bear no relationship to the reality of the family life that we experienced. These were loving, supportive parents." ⁵⁶

But here is what my brother told the FBI, according to the latter's "302" reports of interviews with him:

"The relationship between TED Sr. [Theodore R. Kaczynski, my father] and TED was mostly difficult and conflicted, ... DAVE remembers specifically that his father often told TED, 'You're just like WALTER,' identifying WALTER as a co-worker of his father's at the sausage factory who was diagnosed schizophrenic. His father would often tell TED 'you have the mind of a two year-old.' DAVE remembered a specific incident when TED ran to his father saying, 'Give me a kiss,' and was rebuffed; TED Sr. pushed him away and said, 'You're just like a little girl, always wanting to kiss.' TED eventually 'got his kiss,' DAVE said, but he never remembered that TED asked his father ever again for affection. TED became increasingly reclusive, and quarrelled constantly with his mother. TED Sr.'s behavior toward his oldest son became increasingly cold and distant, and he 'mostly showed his disapproval' concerning TED." ⁵⁷

"Family members often ridiculed TED when they compared TED with DAVE who was well liked because he had better social skills." ⁵⁸ [False; I was not "ridiculed" for this.]

"DAVE noted that despite WANDA's concerns that certain actions she and her husband took during TEDs childhood must have been at least partly responsible for TED's lifelong problems and isolation, WANDA is defensive of her own actions in general, and sees herself as having unfairly carried the main burdens of both her family of origin and her own family. DAVE characterized his mother as 'often difficult herself,' ..." ⁵⁹

Thus, my brother is clearly shown to be a liar. It's true that the FBI's "302" reports often have inaccuracies, and that the foregoing passages contain significant errors. (Whether the errors originated with the FBI or with my brother is an open question.) But it is hardly likely that the FBI would just make all this up out of nothing; and, as a matter of fact, much of it is corroborated by my autobiographies and by family correspondence. ⁶⁰

In my 1979 autobiography, I wrote:

"One day, when I might have been about 6 years old, my mother, father, and I were all set to go out somewhere. I was in a joyful mood. I ran up to my father and announced that I wanted to kiss him. He said, 'You're like a little girl, always wanting to kiss.' I immediately turned cold and drew back resentfully. My father immediately regretted what he had done and said, 'Oh, that's alright. You can kiss if you want to.' But there was no warmth in his voice. Of course, I didn't kiss him then. ..." ⁶¹

This agrees fairly well with the account in the FBI report; but notice that the incident occurred when I was about six years old - before my brother's birth. Thus the FBI report's implication that my brother personally witnessed this incident is false. My 1979 autobiography continues:

"But the reader should be careful not to get an exaggerated idea of the coldness that my father occasionally exhibited - generally speaking I felt I had a good relationship with my parents that didn't show any serious deterioration until I was about 11 years old." ⁶²

My father did become rather cold toward me during my teens, though my brother's account, as reported by the FBI, somewhat overstates the case. I wrote in my 1979 autobiography, referring to my teen years:

"[M]y father tended to be cold. During my middle teens I felt there was an undercurrent of scorn in his attitude toward me." ⁶³

My brother and my mother state (more-or-less correctly) that, during my adolescence, when visitors arrived at our house, I would often retreat to my room. ⁶⁴ Thus they unwittingly revealed information that helps to confirm the abuse: According to investigators who have experience with cases that involve child abuse, withdrawing from visitors is a common reaction of abused children. ⁶⁵

NOTES TO CHAPTER III

1. (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 3; (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 23; (Ga) Deeds #2, #3.

2. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 23.

3. Karl C. Garrison, Psychology of Adolescence, 6th Edition, Prentice-Hall, pp. 199, 200.

4. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 23 states: "I had a few friends in school, especially Larry S____... ." Dale Eickelman is discussed on pp. 50-52 of (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979. In (Qb) Written Investigator Report #34, Eickelman confirmed his friendship with me. None of the other friendships is documented; for them I rely on memory.

5. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 47-50; (Ba) Journals of TJK, Series VI #1, pp. 25-30 (October 1, 1974).

6. (Fa) School Records of TJK, E. P. Elementary; (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 3; (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 24.

7. (Hb) Washington Post, June 16, 1996, p. A20. Unfortunately, the results of the personality test are not found in my surviving school records. That I did take such a test is confirmed by (Aa) Autobiog of TJK 1958: "[In fifth grade] I came to the attention of the curriculum and guidance counselor... . I was taken out of class several times that year to take a battery of tests, including I.Q., achievement, personality and aptitude tests."

8. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 24.

9. (Ae) Autobiog of Wanda (the entire document).

10. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 78, 79; (Da) Ralph Meister's Declaration, p. 1, paragraph 5; p. 2, paragraphs 7, 8.

11. Regarding the last sentence of this paragraph, see (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 39; for all the rest of the paragraph, see same document, p. 24.

12. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 24, 25; (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, p. 10; (Cc) Notes on Family Letters, Number 3 (written in 1991), p. 5.

13. (Cc) Notes on Family Letters, Number 3 (written in 1991), p. 5.

14. (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, p. 10.

15. (Ca) FL#459, letter from my mother to me, July 12, 1991, pp. 1, 2.

16. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 25: "[M]any of the other boys drew warlike or gruesome pictures. Whether I drew such pictures more frequently than the other boys is a point on which my memory does not enlighten me."

17. (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, pp. 3, 4; (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 25-29; (Ad) Autobiog of TJK 1988, pp. 2, 3; (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, pp. 10-12. In (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959 I greatly understated the humiliations to which I had been subjected in school because I was profoundly ashamed of them.

    The abuse I suffered in school was mostly psychological, but there was a small amount of physical abuse. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 28:

    "[A] certain fellow verbally abused me, kicked my leg, and kicked my briefcase - all for no apparent reason."

    (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 26:

    "[In gym class] a large, heavy boy intentionally ran into me during a game, knocked me down, and fell on me, bruising my arm very painfully."

    The injury was severe enough so that my parents took me to the hospital and had my arm examined to make sure that it wasn't broken. (Ea) Med Records of TJK, U. Chi., September 21, 1956, pp. 69-71. The "large, heavy boy" referred to was Jack Mcl_. When investigators working on my case tried to track him down, they found that his last known address was a transient hotel.

18. (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, pp. 4, 14; (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 25, 52-55, 131; (Ad) Autobiog of TJK 1988, pp. 2-4, 9, 11, 12; (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, pp. 14, 15. Again, shame led me to understate the case in (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959.

19. (Qb) Written Investigator Report #57, Michael Johnson.

20. Several former students at Evergreen Park Community High School who were interviewed by investigators confirmed that academically-oriented kids were harassed and insulted. These included G. Da. (Qb) Written Investigator Report #28, pp. 1-3; Roger Podewell (Qb) Written Investigator Report #104, pp. 1, 2; Wayne Tr. (Qb) Written Investigator Report #142, p. 3. As I've indicated in the Introduction, information reported to investigators about decades-old events has often proved wildly inaccurate, especially when (as in this case) there have been media reports that may have influenced it. However, G. Da.'s reports of bitter personal experiences should probably be given weight as showing the existence of harassment, even though there is no way of knowing whether the reports are accurate in detail.

21. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 40-42, 47; (Ca) FL #329, letter from me to David Kaczynski, March 15, 1986, p. 2; (Ad) Autobiog of TJK 1988, p. 3; (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, pp. 5-8, 12; (Da) Ralph Meister's Declaration, p. 3, paragraph 9. Further documentation will be given in Chapter IV.

22. During October or November of 1996, Investigator #3 told me that Dr. K. had told him that my brother had told her that my mother would have outbursts of rage during which her face would become red and contorted and she would make angry gestures that frightened my brother. It is true that my mother did have such outbursts, but I am relying on memory for the fact that Investigator #3 made this statement to me, since I did not write it down at the time.

    On August 14, 1997, I asked Dr. K. to confirm this, and what she gave me then was a weaker version: "K asked, what did you see when [your mother] was angry? [Dave] said: Change of color in her face, her speech became quicker, she might make sudden movements. K asked what he meant. He said she would shake her hands and stomp her foot. As a child he felt that it felt close to feeling what violence would feel like - it was threatening." (Ra) Oral Report from Dr. K., August 14, 1997.

    I had the distinct impression from Dr. K. that "it felt close to feeling what violence would feel like" was a verbatim quote of my brother's words, and I clearly remember that I asked her to repeat the sentence so that I could be sure that I had it written down correctly. Nevertheless, when I asked her for confirmation of this report on February 12, 1998, she gave me the following version, which seems somewhat weaker: "Dr. K asked how did he know my mother was angry. When she was very angry you could tell because her color would change, speech would get quicker, would make sudden movements, that one could imagine would be closer to violence. Dr. K asked him what he meant. He said like shake her hands and stomp her foot." (Ra) Oral Report from Dr. K., February 12, 1998.

    I asked Dr. K. about the words, "it felt close to feeling what violence would feel like," and she said she couldn't find them in her notes. If Dr. K. is asked about this matter again, I have no idea what she will say.

    In any case, I know from my own memories that my mother did have outbursts of rage as I've described.

23. (Ra) Oral Report from Dr. K., July 24, 1997: "Wanda ... Spoke of Ted R. withdrawing behind the newspaper. He didn't like conflict, would withdraw from it and pick up the paper." This is what Dr. K. told me, but, as I've noted elsewhere, she sometimes changes her story or claims she can't remember something she told me, so I do not know whether she will confirm this information if she is asked.

24. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 40, 41.

25. Same, p. 42.

26. Same, p. 41.

27. This is confirmed in the interview with my mother in (Hb) Washington Post, June 16, 1996, p. A20.

28. From (Ca) FL #330, letter from David Kaczynski to me, late March or early April, 1986, p. 22:

    "I never, ever recall the parents berating you to me. In fact, they always encouraged me to look up to you."

    My parents would hardly have encouraged my brother to look up to me if they had thought I was the kind of sicko that the media have portrayed with my mother's and brother's encouragement.

29. (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, pp. 3, 6.

30. (Ad) Autobiog of TJK 1988, p. 12. In (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 11, I wrote: "My friendships are usually of long duration. Fairly close, but never really intimate." I was not aware of any really intimate friendships among the boys in high school. The reader who thinks that there should have been such friendships should bear in mind that the teenage culture of Evergreen Park in 1955-58 may have been quite different from what he is familiar with. Boys simply did not bare their souls to one another.

    I went to Harvard at the age of sixteen and made no close or lasting friendships there. However, during the summer following my freshman year at Harvard I continued to associate with some of my high-school friends ((Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 94; (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, pp. 10, 11; here, the "rather dull fellow" is Jerry U., the "large fat fellow" is Russell Mosny, and the "very tall lank fellow" is Bob Pe.). Consequently I date my social isolation from age seventeen rather than sixteen.

    By the way, there is an error on p. 94 of (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979. I wrote: "I think I became pretty well separated from all my Evergreen Park friends within about a year after leaving college." instead of "college", I should have written "high school". I meant that I became separated from these friends after the summer following my first year at college. Actually, my memory of the chronology is rather fuzzy here. It's possible that I may have continued to associate with some of my high-school friends even during the summer following my second year at college. In (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 94, 95, I may have inadvertently telescoped the events of two summers into one.

31. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 50-54; (Qb) Written Investigator Report #34, Dale Eickelman.

32. (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 3, referring to seventh grade: "I did make a couple of good friends among the better students... ."

33. (Ad) Autobiog of TJK 1988, p. 12.

34. (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 10: "One of my oldest friends is a rather dull fellow, average intelligence... ." This was Jerry U. I was probably giving him a little too much credit in describing his intelligence as average.

35. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 30, 94-95. Bob Pe. is the "very tall lank fellow" described as one of my best friends in (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 11. Bob Pe. confirmed his friendship with me in (Qb) Written Investigator Report #100.

36. Ruth Kn., Tom's mother, has confirmed that he and I were friends. (Qb) Written Investigator Report #64, p. 1. I mention this report for whatever it may be worth, but some of the other information given by Mrs. Kn. is incorrect.

37. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 94.

38. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 25, 94, 119-121. Mosny is the "large, fat fellow" referred to in (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, pp. 10, 11.

39. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 29, 94.

40. (Fb) School Records of TJK, E.P. High School; (Fc) School Records of TJK, Harvard, pp. 12, 14; (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 28; (Ab) Autobiog of TJK 1959, p. 4; (Aa) Autobiog of TJK 1958, p. 2.

41. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 28.

42. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 46, 47 has: "Throughout my earlier teens I suffered increasingly from chronic boredom... . Often I would visit a friend's home, or a friend would visit my home. But if these visits lasted any length of time, I would usually get bored... . Best, I liked physical games such as playing catch; but... outside of gym classes, I never had a chance to participate in complicated games like softball and football, which I suppose would have held my interest better. Because there were never enough guys available for a regular game, we had to play very simple games like catch."

43. (Ea) Med Records of TJK, U. Chi., April 24, 1952, p. 53; April 17, 1953, p. 57; April 27, 1954, p. 58; April 14, 1955, p. 59; April 20, 1956, p. 67; June, 1957, p. 73; April 21, 1958, p. 74.

44. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 79: "Respectability is important to her."

45. I can think of few instances (prior to the time when my mother wrote this letter) in which I intentionally rejected friendly advances. No doubt I often seemed cool toward people; this was because my experiences in school had conditioned me to be afraid of social situations and of the possibility of rejection. Moreover, one of the symptoms of abuse is social withdrawal.

    From (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 28, 29:

    "As a result of [the rejection I'd experienced] I think I developed a kind of stoical coldness. (Not daring to fight back, and not wishing to show weakness, my only choice in the face of hostility was to be cold and stoical.) The cold impression was often accentuated by shyness, and I suspect that my apparent cold aloofness may have alienated some kids who might otherwise have been friendly."

46. Actually I suffered from chronic boredom. See Note 42.

47. The truth: "[M]y parents put pressure on me to earn money to help pay for my education... . I was supposed to be not only brilliant, but industrious... .

"I felt very shy and uncomfortable among the people on these jobs. When asked about my personal background I should have lied. The first job I had the first summer was as a busboy in a restaurant. One waitress there gave me a hard time, being evidently jealous of my education; she would bitterly make remarks like: 'We don't need brains around here - we need a strong back.'" - (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 95.

48. (Fc) School Records of TJK, Harvard, pp. 18, 19; letter from Wanda Kaczynski to Skiddy Von Stade (Harvard Dean of Freshmen), July 16, 1958. I had already been admitted to Harvard, so there was no need for my mother to fib in order to secure my admission.

49. (Hb) Washington Post, June 16, 1996.

50. (He) 60 Minutes, September 15, 1996.

51. My brother told Dr. K. that there was no "permission" to talk with parents about internal struggles. (Ra) Oral Reports from Dr. K., July 24, 1997 and February 12, 1998. As noted elsewhere, oral reports I've received have not proved reliable; but see Note 52.

52. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 115; (Ca) FL #458, letter from me to my mother, July 5, 1991, pp. 6, 7. (Da) Ralph Meister's Declaration, p. 3, paragraph 10 has: "Teddy John was... afraid to tell Wanda about emotional problems or difficulties he encountered with his peer group because that would have caused a rent in the picture she had of her son."

53. (Ha) NY Times Nat., May 26, 1996, p. 22, column 1.

54. (Hc) Sacramento Bee, January 19, 1997, p. A16, column 1.

55. (He) 60 Minutes, September 15, 1996, Part One, p. 8.

56. Same, Part Two, p. 3.

57. (Na) FBI 302 number 2, pp. 6, 7.

58. (Na) FBI 302 number 1, p. 3.

59. (Na) FBI 302 number 3, p. 5.

60. See Note 21 above. But contrary to what the FBI says my brother told them, I was compared to Walter T. only twice, and in at least one of those cases it was my mother who made the comparison.

61. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 18. The story is also told in (Ca) FL #339, letter from me to David Kaczynski, Summer, 1986, p. 4. My brother probably got the story from this letter and at some subsequent time began to imagine that he had witnessed the incident himself.

62. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, pp. 18, 19.

63. (Ac) Autobiog of TJK 1979, p. 41. (Ca) FL #407, letter from me to David Kaczynski, October 13, 1990, p. I has: ". .. during my teens, but, while Dad was always rather cold to me during that period ... ." Also see (Ca) FL #408, letter from me to my mother, October 13, 1990 (copy kept in cabin).

64. (He) 60 Minutes, September 15, 1996, Part One, p. 3:

    "WANDA KACZYNSKI: ... if [Ted] heard cars driving up, he'd say 'ooh, there's so-and-so.' He says, 'don't call me down. I - I don't want to see them. I don't want to see them.' He'd go upstairs."

    The foregoing is not strictly accurate, but it is true that I often avoided visitors by going to my attic room. See also (Hb) Washington Post, June 16, 1996, p. A20, middle of last column on the page. And see (Na) FBI 302 number 1, p. 3: "DAVE noted that TED would often retreat to the attic whenever anyone came to the house to visit."

65. (Qc) Written Reports by Investigator #2, p. 2: "Withdrawal is a common reaction for abused children and includes withdrawing from visitors."